Chasing butterflies

Alas, it’s been a while since I took to my blog. Mistake, I know, but it happened so we’ll all have to deal. As the year winds down, though, I join the trend of becoming reflective, and I can think of no better way to celebrate that.

In the few months since I’ve written, you may be wondering what has happened. Am I still single, white and clueless? Indubitably. We should even make it Clueless with a capital “C.” But it hasn’t been for a lack of trying. For the first time in my life, I actually feel like I’ve put myself out there to a certain extent. It hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t been long-lasting, but baby steps are supposed to be the first steps, right?

I drunkenly made out with someone on a dance floor in Montauk. I (sort of) dated someone I met at work for a month. I flirted with a waiter, gave him my number and successfully turned that into a date. The date itself wasn’t quite as successful. I flirt with a guy at work on a regular basis. More on all of these stories as I settle into blogging again (a New Year’s Resolution I fully intend to keep).

Here’s the thing: I haven’t met anyone that I’ve been really excited about. I haven’t met anyone that’s inspired me to blog or do much else. Sure, the guy I saw for a month had my attention, but I was never THAT into it - even if, admittedly, it wasn’t my idea to let it fizzle out.

But where is the excitement? Where is the passion? Where are the butterflies?

I sometimes worry that I’ve become too jaded. That I’m 24 going on 25 going on 46. Whenever I talk to an older confidante, they always tell me I’m too young to worry about such things. I’m sorry, but being four months away from 25 still feels old enough to worry. It would be one thing if I was turning 25 and I could put one serious relationship notch in my belt. Hell, one semi-serious relationship could be a win. But I don’t have that. What I have are a series of makeout sessions and a few dates. Woo hoo.

So the only choice I have is to press forward. New Year’s Resolution #1 is to write more - both blog and otherwise - but Resolution #2 is to really commit to putting myself out there. Going out with a few of my girlfriends with the purpose of meeting new people. Giving out my number if I have a fun conversation with someone. Online dating (gulp). I vow to do it all until I have a semblance of a relationship. Or at least something resembling butterflies.