Coming Clean

My last blog post was ... angry? Sure. Negative? Yes. Honest? Absolutely. Had there been a trend of all three of those things in recent writings? I suppose. People have called me out on it, and I appreciate their support and concern and all the rest of those lovely things things.

But here’s the thing: there’s a difference between being honest and being completely truthful. I’m honest about my feelings and what I’m going through when I write, but I’m not always completely truthful with the specifics. Thoughts are exaggerated for entertainment value. Self-deprecation is taken to the max in the name of a joke.

For example, in my last post I wrote about having the expectation of ending up alone in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Do I actually think I’m going to be alone? No. At the very least I’m sure I’d have a boyfriend or an ex or a ton of friends. But I am afraid of dying alone. I am afraid of never knowing what real love feels like. And that’s being honest.

And being honest about my trials in the dating world also means writing what I feel. In the past month or two, I have been in a funk. I will freely admit it. Sometimes I’m more hopeful than others. Sometimes things happen and I’m angry. And all of these things come out in my writing. I can’t censor that. And I’m not sure I want to.

Do I wish I was more confident? Yes, I do. I’m working on it. I’m working on self-deprecating humor actually being a mask for feeling really good about myself. I am trying not to be so hard on myself. But just like someone tries not to eat sweets everyday, sometimes you slip up.

I’ve taken a few weeks off to think about my approach. To think about the idea that people could be concerned about my mindset based on my writing. I can’t promise that everything I write will be positive from now on. That isn’t real life. Sometimes crappy things happen and you’ll know when you read it.

But what I can promise is that I will try. I will try to change my attitude toward one filled with a molecule more hope. Because that’s being honest. I’m attempting to change my attitude - to stop looking quite so hard, to have the confidence to meet new people, and to feel better about what I bring to the table.