Have you ever...?

Have you ever been in such a dating rut that you’ve convinced yourself you’re the opposite sexual orientation?

Whenever I’m having bad luck with men, I often think maybe there’s something big I’m missing. Maybe I should be dating women! Maybe I’m a lesbian! I work myself into a frenzy, question my identity, put on the episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where Willow starts experimenting and ... realize I have no desire, whatsoever, to kiss a woman. So much for that theory.

Have you ever targeted someone that you considered a safe bet, only to still get rejected?

When I tried online dating for a month, I talked to this guy who didn’t look that great in his photo. He wasn’t that interesting. But I kept talking to him because, hey, why not! He seemed into me. He could be chocked up to “experience.” Yeah...he stopped talking to me. Come to think of it, maybe it had something to do with my lack of enthusiasm...

Have you ever hoped you could just will yourself back in time to the days of Jane Austen?

I watch/read Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion, and then I look around, and suddenly I hate every man that surrounds me (well, more than I already do). They had it right back then. They courted. They wrote letters. They knew how to play the piano. And if one of them didn’t pursue you, your father would go out and find one for you. Those were the days. Damn you Mr. Darcy. You ruined me for modern times.

Have you ever looked at someone who is beautiful, smart and super nice and absolutely hated them?

That happens to me quite frequently. It’s like, wow you’re so great. And I’ve never hated anyone more. Then I hate myself for hating them. It’s a whole thing.

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? Have you ever needed something so bad you can’t sleep at night? Have you ever tried to find the words but they don’t come out right?

Just kidding, those are the lyrics to Brandy’s “Have you Ever.”